Monday, October 31, 2005

weekend fun

Well, I'm not a big party person usually. I just make appearances, but usually don't stay long at parties anymore. Well, starting this past Thursday, that has changed.

A friend of mine, Karen, needed a date for a party Thursday night. I'm one of those people that if someone will ask, especially if it's a friend in need of a date for an event, then I have no problems with going. It wasn't the most fun party...matter of fact, it was not very good. But I knew some people there, so that made it fun. It was a Halloween party, so I decided I would dress as a thug. I was going to wear a wife-beater (A-shirt), hang my pants from my the bottom of my butt, and wear my black LA Dodgers hat that I got at Dodgers stadium when I was 13 (thanks Dad) with a white bandana under it. Well, it ended up being kinda cool outside, so I wore a white shirt over the 'beater. I thought I looked pretty thug. Karen needed to stay 'till the end so that she could help clean up (that wasn't part of the deal! haha), so I got to stay for a while. I did get to take home some Dr. Pepper and candy for helping clean up.

The next night (Friday), Sarah Heal was having a Halloween costume party. So, I went as a thug again. Sarah Gomez went with me, and about 6 other choir people were there. We kinda kept to ourselves in the back of the house, spending most of the time setting fire to a, that's fun!!! Around 9:30, we went to campus because school was showing Batman Begins for free!! Yay! I loved the movie just as much this second time. Afterwards, Sarah G., Emily, Kyle and I ended the night with IHOP coffee.

The next night was my turn to have a party. We were having a Scary Movie Night. I invited a decent amount of people, but usually not everyone shows up. Saturday night, however, I was actually wondering where I was going to put people. Luckily (spacewise), some of the people I had actually been counting on coming didn't come, so I guess that helped, though I'm giving them a hard time for not showing up. We watched Mind Hunters, Hide and Seek, and the Others. We had rented The Shining, but blockbuster put the wrong movie behind the right box (or something like that). Anyway, about half of the people stayed for all 3 movies. I spent the second movie getting my arm squeezed off by Sarah Gomez, and the third movie between the two Sarah's, with Sarah G. squeezing my arm, and Sarah H. jumping a lot. Man, that was real tough for me (haha!). Anyway, I ended up staying up all night talking with the Sarah's and Emily. Sarah Heal left around 4am, but Sarah G. and Emily stayed until 5pm. Yes, that's PM! It was a lot of fun, and since I don't have church on Sunday mornings, I didn't have to worry about sleep.

So, yeah, this weekend was actually a lot of fun. I can't think of the last time I stayed up that long talking, much less with 3 female friends. I'm a pimp! haha Just kidding!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Old friends still current

I've been able to be on instant messenger the last two days more than I have the whole semester. It's fun being able to reconnect with old friends and know that something is still there. I talked to Kacey who's in Nashville until like 3am last night, Grant in Paducah, and Tara (briefly) in Boston...actually, she was in Maryland, but she still lives in Boston. Then I sent messages back and forth today with Ali in Paducah, who I haven't talked to at all in at least 3 years. I've also gotten to talk to 3 different people who were in my youth group in Brownsville, which was crazy! They say family will always be there. But you never know about friends, so it's good to talk to some. I've learned the hard way that friends don't always stay friends. But such is life.

On a sad note, you may have noticed that my St. Louis Cardinals didn't make it to the World Series. I've heard some people talk about them underachieving. But to do what they did this year without their star third baseman (Rolen), injuries all around, and never knowing what they would get out of their corner outfielders (although Sanders was great until he got injured again in the playoffs), I'd say is pretty stinkin' great! I'm proud that they could play their bench guys as much as they did and still win more than anyone else in baseball. I mean really, who would plan to start Abraham Nunez as their third baseman?! Props to the Cardinals organization for always being a class act and giving us a good team!

Speaking of props. Props to the Astros and White Sox for making it to the big games. (It had to happen eventually!!!!) But really, they both had great seasons. I expect to see a lot of bunts in the Series, and great pitching! I love baseball! (And, officially, I don't hate hockey.)

disappointment and hope

Ya know, sometimes I just feel like no matter what I do, or what I plan to do, I'm going to disappoint someone. It's kinda like there's always a weight on my shoulders that I can never seem to get rid of. All my life, since I can remember, it's been there. I've never been able to explain it or to totally grasp it's affect on my life. Everytime I accomplish something or someone is proud of me in one part of my life, I'm a huge disappointment and failure in another. It's always been that way, always been there. There are very few times in my life where I can even remember it being minimal. I can probably count them on two hands, or less, if I thought long enough. The 10 days in inner city Houston after my junior year and this summer in St. Paul, MN are probably the only times that it was consistently minimal. Now, I'm by no means blaming anyone for one has a bigger affect on my life than me.
But have you ever felt like one wrong move will shame you for life? Cause your family to disown you? Make people give up on you? Well, most of my life, that's the way I've felt. It's probably what causes me to respond so strongly to guilt driven motivation and the reason I've always struggled with self-esteem and depression.
When I was a young kid, I mean young like 4 or 5, I used to smile all the time. I remember it because I remember the feeling inside. If you look at pictures of me at that age, you can see the inner joy seeping out through a smile. I guess that's true of any real smile. I know I still have those now because I can feel them; feel them when my friends make me roll on the floor, doubled over in joyous pain, when I laugh so hard that I can't breathe and begin to cry. It's just that feels like the joy is only temporary, just covering up the other stuff. And I realize that as I laugh, hoping it's not true, hoping the laughter won't end. But it does. And I go back wondering how I can get back to it because it's left so quickly.

Heaven. I imagine heaven to be continuous joy seeping out of us. Only not through our smiles, but through our voices as we sing praises. Some people are afraid of death. Not me. Even if I am the lowest of all heavenly beings, I'll be in heaven.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

sports and stuff

So, the Cardinals lost their game tonight, leaving the series tied 1-1 and going to Houston for 3 games. I'm glad my sister finally admitted that the Cards are the best team to root for and that her love for the Yanks has died off. Proud of ya sis!

We had a flag football tonight. It was a close game. We were down by a touchdown, then tied it up on a deep pass to Danny. Then Allen intercepted a pass in their endzone, ran it out about 30 yards. Our offense drove to the 1 yard line (actually closer, and Danny's catch should have been another touchdown). After a dropped snap (dead ball), Ox threw the ball to Allen in the endzone, who made a great catch to win the game as time expired!!! Probably the best flag football game I've ever been a part of or witnessed. I did get one catch (didn't play much offense), and got warned for 'flag-guarding.' But the guy was pulling on my boxer-briefs and shorts, not my flag. I was guarding myself from mooning everyone! And that was my explanation to the ref!

On another is so hard to listen for God's voice. I feel like there are even times in life that you have to decide something on your own because it has to be a prompt decision and you might be confused on what God wants exactly. But there is something greater that I believe. I think it is possible that God can work in my life no matter what road I take. With some decisions, I think it's not about which decisions you make, but the heart behind the decision. That gives me some peace about it.

"But He said to them, 'You give them something to eat.'" -Mark 6:37

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Red Birds

My beloved Cardinals won Game 1 of the NLCS against Houston. Many experts pick Houston to win, but I believe the Cards will get back to the World Series.

I must admit, though, that it was truely enjoyable to see the Yankees lose and the Red Sox get swept. I've always hate the Yankees (somehow my sister roots for them!!) and the Red Sox became the New Yankees after last years World Series win. I do feel for my roomate Jeremiah and our friend Luke Jackson...Jackson is from the New England area, and Jeremiah is an avid Sox fan.

Random Jeremiah quote: "I don't have a good memory when it comes to remembering." Wow!


So, if the person who causes the confusion complains about the confusion, is it a valid complaint? And should the person who is confused feel bad when they can't give solid answers to the person who confused them in the first place? Just a thought.

The things disclosed on this site are not required to be all the full thoughts of the writer. They are, however, the true thoughts. The writer may choose at his discretion to omit anything, including thoughts he would not be comfortable with all people reading. If all thoughts on certain subjects were to be written, it would be way too long, like some of Jeremiah's thoughts!

Prayers to Tong and Judy. May God give them grace in light of their young mistakes.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Be around me

There are just certain people I like to be around. If they laugh, think I'm funny, or like goofing around, it just makes it a good day! Random thought.

Monday, October 10, 2005


This weekend was the Choir retreat. It was such a great weekend. I got to know a lot of people that I wasn't close to, meet the ones I didn't know at all, and got to reconnect with others. It was great just getting away and having so much fun with all those people. Take a Hike and Mass Cranium were great. But a few things happened that I didn't expect.

Friday night some of us stayed up until sometime after 4am surrounding Josh Castle (one of the most talented people I've ever met!) at a piano. Then when everyone but Matt Harris and I went to bed, I sat at the piano and wrote a song at 5am! We went to bed around 5:15am, got up at 7:30am or so. I'm not totally sure how it happened, but I ended up playing that song that night in the talent 7:30pm. So, basically 14 hours later!! A few people really wanted me to play, and I kinda wanted to myself. But if you know me, you know that I was nervous as everything. I was no Josh Castle or Michael Griffith, but I did okay. I'm glad I did it, since it's something I wouldn't normally do. I also sang with 3 guys a couple of songs. This wasn't nerve-racking because this is something I'm used to doing, though it's been a while. We just threw two songs together literally less than 5 minutes before the show began. But since I used to do quartet stuff, and I wasn't alone up there, it wasn't scary.

Speaking of the talent show...I love to see Michael Griffith play in the talent show. And there was a freshman girl named Jo who I was very impressed with...more so her body language and facial expressions. It was actually very enjoyable to watch!

The devo after the talent show when great. Sarah Heal and Jeremiah did a great job. I was glad everyone was so willing to open up to each other and to God's movement. I got to talk with Matt about life and girls. It was good for me. Having him there this weekend made retreat that much better!!
Speaking of Matt...he kept bringing up two things. 1) I should become a firefighter with him, then eventually go do vocational missions in Australia with him as a firefighter. I must admit, this sounds intriguing! 2) He kept saying that I should ask a certain girl out. It's kinda funny b/c he's not even sure if she's single!! Goofball.

I would definitely say I'm confused right now. But I keep moving, believing my footsteps are guided. Right now, I don't believe anything is concrete.

P.S. I would like to point out that I edited a previous post that said something negative about my sister. It took me a few days to see my typo and change it to what I meant to say!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005


I talked to my ex-gf Sunday night. I think we talked for about 3 hours total (phone disconnected in the middle). I'm not sure I came out of it knowing anything more than I did before the conversation. She had sent me an email asking me to call her. So, since I hadn't talked to her in 3 weeks, I did. Basically, from what I gathered, she wants to be friends, see how that goes, and wants me to wait on her. She also apoligized for an earlier email that was somewhat insulting to me. The decision of whether or not we were going to be friends (which I thought we still were) was left up to me. I must admit...I hesitated. When I read the not-so-nice email Friday, I was really hurt; more hurt even than when we broke up. I told my roomate and best friend, Billy, that she may have seriously lost any chance she had with me. When she said some things I didn't like when she broke up with me, it didn't really ruin any chance. But this, with us being friends, was pretty close to being too far.

So, at the end of the conversation, I told her I was good with being friends. But I don't understand the "seeing how it goes" part...mainly because I thought we already did that. We took about a month (after already being friends) to decide if we wanted to date. I'm not sure how good I'm going to be at going back to being friends who are interested in each other if we've already dated. I knew that this dating relationship wasn't going to be easy. I don't know that 'being friends' is going to help. You can't just look at a friendship and "know" that a relationship will work. You always are learning, and things are just different when you date someone compared to when you are just friends with them. I guess that's the funny thing about actually have to commit. I don't know if she is willing to have me as any type of priority. A relationship with God is most important, but when in a relationship each person has to learn about working both relationships together. I don't know that Pa Nhia will ever commit to me without giving up at any instant.

On a good note, my Cardinals won their first playoff game today! And the Red Sox got blown out! Too bad the Yanks won though...

Monday, October 03, 2005

What a weekend!!

So, I got an email Friday afternoon. Not the most positive thing in the world. It actually almost ruined my day. It almost ruined someone's chances at friendship too. Billy and I threw around the football for a bit while discussing the email. It didn't really help me feel any better...But I was having a Bunko party at my house with roomates and friends that night, so the show must go on, right? Anyway, most of the people from my spring break group came over, plus a few other friends. Although I faked part of the night, it actually was decent fun playing Bunko and Mafia!
Saturday night Billy and I went to Freshman Follies with his friend Amy and her roomate Tracy. Though Follies wasn't great, it was entertaining most of the time and had some decent music, though nothing great musically speaking. (Most people who don't know anything about music probably said that it was great!) Afterwards, we called some people and hung at our house again. Though we didn't do anything special, it was hilarious sitting around and talking. Between Rafael's wit and Amy being Amy, I was truely entertained!!
Sunday was good, as was church that night! I really enjoy going to Hope. Billy has volunteered me to sing bass on their worship team, so I'm looking forward to getting involved there. One of the greatest things about Hope is that, out of all the services this semester (2 a week), I've worn a baseball cap to all but three!! If you wear something nice, you really stick out, which is the opposite of most church atmosphere's, though I really like this better! I can wear shorts, flip-flops, jeans, t-shirt...anything I want that isn't obscene! Thank God for people who actually TRY not to judge people on the way they look. I mean, heck, they accept me!!